Pass me a Slim Jim, cause "You are NOT the Father!"

Yesterday, as I was leaving the office building, I heard a woman chatting nervously with her coworker as she walked through the parking lot. “I’m hoping if I lose 20 lbs, my cholesterol will naturally go down,” she said.  “Then I can go back to the doctor for a test.  You know, because you can’t test that on your own.” I was tempted to turn around to share with her that in fact you can test your cholesterol by simply picking up a “do it yourself” kit at Walgreens.  Cholesterol however,  is the least interesting thing you can test for on your own time.

Doctors and lab techs will soon be obsolete thanks to the advancement of take home tests.  “Did you know you can buy paternity tests at Walgreens?” my friend Kristin texted the other day.  Well there goes Maury Povich’s job.  Not only can you determine your baby daddy in the privacy of your home– or the Walgreens’ bathroom, but you can also pick up some light bulbs and Mike and Ikes while you are out.  What shocked me the most, was that it is only priced at $29.99…a total steal!  Apparently the kit has received 4 out of 5 stars…one gentleman gave it a poor score due to the fact that you must have the mother’s signature to receive the results.  Before you swab little Jimmy’s mouth, make sure your potential baby mama signs off on the test.

For those of you who get a little crazy on the weekends, Walgreen’s also sells drug tests.  My favorite was the cocaine test.  Employers, why pay for lab testing and processing fees when you can test your employees pee in your company bathroom? I can just see the staff minutes now: “Thursday we will be conducting mandatory drug testing.  Our office manager, Bernice will be administering the tests in the privacy of the first floor restroom.” 

Along with the paternity and coke tests, you can also test your cholesterol.  Checking your LDL and HDL levels might not be as sexy as finding out who owes you child support, but damn it saves gas.  So, yes, you can test your cholesterol on your own time.  Grab the kit, and a jumbo tube of Slim Jims to chow down in celebration of lowering your score.